Keep embarking

January 31, 2015

I saw a headline today on LinkedIn which read that many of today's successful people were failures more than once before getting it right. They used Steven Spielberg as an example; apparently he had loads and loads of ill fated attempts at making films before actually becoming successful.

I'm not a filmmaker and certainly do not aim to be successful in any such way that some of these big celebrities and such are...but the concept gave me great comfort right now. As I've mentioned I have recently started in a new job -- it's with one of Finland's leading companies (vague, I know, but intentionally so for privacy reasons) and my position is one that is somewhat similar to what I have been doing for the past 20 years. Office work, slightly technical, customer service, working 'nine to five', a coordinator role. I was super happy to get this job after being unemployed for nearly two years.....but after just barely a month, I know I'm on the wrong path (ya, again/still).

This kind of work doesn't give me anything anymore; it is meaningless. It is literally just a job to pay the rent - and it is not what I want for the rest of my life. Also, perhaps as a sign from the Universe, I am again experiencing a difficult starting situation with my current employer - due to no reasons of my own nor my manager's, the person who was supposed to train me for this job, got sick and left before I started. Result: the only person available to train me is a lady who is super busy with her own job plus mine, so my training has not progressed almost at all - or so it feels to me. During all this frustration and disappointment I do remind myself that I am an impatient person by nature, and that according to my boss we're 'doing great considering the circumstances' - but, I can't escape the feeling that these road blocks appear on my path because it is a wrong path I'm embarking on, again.....and, how long am I going to keep doing this ? Why did I not pursue my goal of getting abroad harder when I was without work for 22 months ? I did look for jobs abroad, but I now realize I could have been a lot more persistent about it. I think I became lethargic after awhile, hopeless even.

Before y'all start rolling your eyes at me and think omg she's insane, she's going to quit another good job -- nooooo.....I'm not going to make that mistake again. Not going to leave a job without having a new one lined up, and not going to leave this particular job just now. The good thing is that this is not a permanent job to start with; I have a fixed term contract (first ever in my life) till late 2015. I think it's kind of a good place to be in, actually; I have a job, but I am also crystal clear that this is not what I want to do -- so I can make plans now and plant the seeds so that come next fall, I will be ready to start the rest of my life. I have actually already began that process, and I am hell bent on doing it right this time.

So.....I guess it's never too late to learn from your failures and become your own personal my case, the success is yet to come, but maybe I needed all these wrong choices in order to see clearly what I need to do.  I also need to remember that even though it has been turbulent in my professional life during the past almost four years, I did have a steady career before this for 20 perhaps failure is not even the right word. Maybe just....finding myself and my purpose, after realizing I want a different life ? And...perhaps give myself a bit more mercy - maybe big life changes do not always happen overnight, maybe they need a certain brewing time for some of us ?

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